Hello!

I am excited about taking over Head and Heart Parent.  I will continue in Shelly’s footsteps of offering parenting
stories, ideas, Love and Logic classes and parent coaching.  I also offer counseling for individuals, couples and families online as well as in my office here in Denver, Colorado.

My goal is to help people create close, loving families through classes and counseling.  I also teach, speak and write on how to do that with sanity and a sense of humor.  With 3 boys of my own, I “get it” that sanity and a sense of humor don’t always come easily in this crazy, wonderful, challenging job of raising the precious little people in our lives.  To learn more, please visit my website at www.kerrystutzman.com.

Soon, you will start to see changes to colors and layout of the website and newsletters, but it will  be the same great content you’ve
come to expect at www.headandheartparent.com.  Head and Heart will continue to be the place to go for ideas, laughs, and understanding about your adventures in parenting.

I wish Shelly all the best as she moves on in her career and look forward to getting to know you.

If you are interested in making 2012 your best parenting year ever, please check out the upcoming classes and events happening in January and February.

With love and laughter,

Kerry Stutzman, MSW

(303)770-4667

The new year has brought me a new opportunity. After 8 years of teaching and coaching so many wonderful, dedicated parents, it’s time for me to take the next step in my career and apply my skills to helping small business owners in a corporate setting. The laughter, tears, struggles, and successes that we’ve shared on our parenting journey makes it a difficult for me to move on, yet I am leaving you in the caring, competent hands of Kerry Stutzman as the new owner of Head and Heart Parent.

Kerry and I have worked together for over seven years as facilitators of the Love and Logic program. As a marriage and family therapist, she brings a wealth of knowledge and a heart centered approach to her classes and coaching. You will love her fun-loving style and her stories from teaching Love and Logic classes since 1999.

As the new owner of Head and Heart Parent, Kerry will still continue teaching classes, sending parenting tips and answering questions on the website, Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube.

Please feel free to contact me with your questions during this transition time at 303-941-6278 or Slmoorman@comcast.net.  Please read Kerry’s introduction in the next post and reach out to welcome her aboard at Kerry@headandheartparent.com.

Thank you again for investing in your parenting skills. It’s the best gift you can give your kids!

Shelly Moorman

“You is kind. You is smart. You is important.”

I love a great movie, don’t you? My favorite this year is The Help. The story takes place in the segregated south and the message shares universal lessons in humanity. The book portrays the life of a group of under-paid, often under-appreciated black women who cook, clean, run errands for and tend to the children of white women. There are heartwarming and gut wrenching moments in the story.

There’s a lot to be learned from the movie, but what resonates with me the most are words spoken by Abileen. She not only takes care of Mae Mobley (Baby Girl), Abileen makes a conscious effort to off-set the often harsh words spoken by the child’s mother, (and Abileen’s boss) Miss Leefolt. More than once a day, Abileen locks eyes with Baby Girl and says to her:

   “You is kind. You is smart. You is important.”

Abileen understands the value of building self-worth in others through positive words. And she understands how negative words put a dent in the self-esteem armor.

Research tells us that people who feel valued and have a positive sense of self-worth outperform others. They are more creative, better problem solvers, and more engaged in work.

It is increasingly important that leaders (whether you lead in the board room, the playing field, or the family), understand that better results will be achieved by increasing positive interactions.

Barbara Fredrickson, a researcher in the science of positive psychology at the University of North Carolina, supports the idea that managers and supervisors have the ability to influence the workplace and make it more successful through a high positivity ratio (the number of positive comments or actions as related to the number of negative comments or actions). High performance teams indicate of positivity ration of 6:1 and low performing teams had a 1:1 ratio. Employee performance improve with a positivity ratio of 3:1.

It’s pretty easy to pinpoint what people are doing wrong or could do better. And even easier to point it out to them. Make it a habit today to sprinkle your conversations with more positive comments. Your co-workers, employees, family members and even the person who serves you fast food will be glad you did.

On a personal note, I have challenged myself to focus more on the positive in others and less on the negative. In fact, I’ve even tried to lighten up on myself. It’s not always easy – especially when it comes to my self-talk. Once or twice a week, I find myself feeling a little down about a misstep, a poor decision, or an unconscious act of unkindness. And before I know it, I’ve been as harsh on myself as Miss Leefolt is on Mae Mobley. When I catch myself doing this, I look in the mirror and say to myself, “You is kind. You is smart. You is important.” And in that moment, I feel a little better, a little more capable, and a little sure of myself.

Our parents and teachers might have taught us the old adage, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Abilene knows that’s not true. And so do we. 

Shirley Garrett
Call Dr. Shirl now at 770.823.8668 or drshirl@shirleygarrett.com

Question: I need some ideas on what to have my five year old son do to “recharge my energy”  — Noelle

Answer:

Energy Charging Chores:

• water plants,
• windex windows,
•  pick up sticks,

Energy Charging Rest and Relaxation:

• foot/back rubs,
• no TV night so mom can rest in quiet,
• pay for sitter with toys so mom/dad go on a date.

Good luck!! Let me know what he picks.

America’s Chief Parenting Officer, Shelly Moorman, helps parents of strong willed, high energy children learn the Becoming
a Love and Logic Parent® program’s skills to stay calm, get cooperation, and deliver effective consequences through parenting classes, coaching, and speaking! If you’re looking for simple, quick, and easy tools to be confident, consistent, and on the same page with your parenting partner, get your FREE Parenting TuneUp Report with easy to use parenting tips and advice now at www.headandheartparent.com.

Question: I would appreciate any input regarding a 21 month old boy who bangs his own head often when frustrated or being disciplined. I use “Uh-oh” but picking him up is the usual end of it. (If I don’t pick him up he does more and more.) I feel he is getting his way because I don’t want him to hurt himself. What can I do? Thanks!

Answer: Respond with empathy first, “Uh Oh this is so sad,”  and then encourage it… ”I guess you’re going to want to bang your head now. Why don’t you do it now so mom can watch and make sure you’re safe? Do you want to bang your head on the pillow or the cushion, in your bedroom or in the living room? …. Okay all done, let’s go to your room for some calm down time.”

Whether it’s holding breath or vomiting or head banging, try using empathy first and then encourage the behavior.  You’ll love their confused reaction the first time you do this!!

Marriage and Family Therapist in Denver, Colorado, Kerry Stutzman helps parents of strong willed, high energy children learn the Becoming a Love and Logic Parent® program’s skills to stay calm, get cooperation, and deliver effective consequences through parenting classes, coaching, and speaking! If you’re looking for simple, quick, and easy tools to be confident, consistent, and on the same page with your parenting partner, get your FREE Parenting TuneUp Report with easy to use parenting tips and advice now at www.headandheartparent.com.

I have been using “I love you too much to argue with you” with my almost 4 year old son.  Last night I was doing dishes and listening to my son have an epic battle between Batman and Spiderman.  There were lots of sound effects and crashes and suddenly I heard him stop and I looked in to hear/see him say “Batman, I love you too much to argue with you, goodbye.” and Spiderman flew off.  I was so happy that he actually understood what I had been saying!  Hopefully we can avoid such epic battles between the two of us in the future!  Thanks Love and Logic!  — Katie

America’s Chief Parenting Officer, Shelly Moorman, helps parents of strong willed, high energy children learn the Becoming
a Love and Logic Parent® program’s skills to stay calm, get cooperation, and deliver effective consequences through parenting classes, coaching, and speaking! If you’re looking for simple, quick, and easy tools to be confident, consistent, and on the same page with your parenting partner, get your FREE Parenting TuneUp Report with easy to use parenting tips and advice now at www.headandheartparent.com.

Question: Any thoughts on teaching children to be a little more humble? – Amy

 Answer: Try using the Love and Logic skill called Eaves Drop Value Setting.  Set up a conversation between you and your spouse or a friend and have your kids within earshot.  Discuss a time  when you weren’t humble. What happened and how will you change your behavior.  Repeat another time discuss when you were humble and what happened.   If you do this in hushed tones, the kids will know they shouldn’t listen, but will!  Good luck.

America’s Chief Parenting Officer, Shelly Moorman, helps parents of strong willed, high energy children learn the Becoming
a Love and Logic Parent® program’s skills to stay calm, get cooperation, and deliver effective consequences through parenting classes, coaching, and speaking! If you’re looking for simple, quick, and easy tools to be confident, consistent, and on the same page with your parenting partner, get your FREE Parenting TuneUp Report with easy to use parenting tips and advice now at www.headandheartparent.com.

The girls and I had gotten out our seasonal clothes in preparation of going to a Fall Festival.  A bit later, my 7 year old came to me and said she had decided against wearing her (new) Halloween shirt and handed it to me all crumpled up.  When I opened it up to fold it, I noticed she had added her own “Happy Halloween” on the shirt in marker.  I exclaimed “You’ve got to be kidding!” because she knows better!  Then I decided to calmly leave the room to pull myself together and decide what to do.

When I came out of my bedroom she was sitting by my door very concerned.  I used my “Guide to Problem Solving Skills” and said, “This is so sad that you wrote on the shirt.  What are you going to do about it?” 

She didn’t respond, so I continued. “Do you want to hear what some other kids have tried?”

I started brainstorming with her,

“Some kids decide to try washing it out.  How would that work?” 

“Some kids decide to replace the shirt with money from their piggy banks.  How would that work?”

“Some kids decide to do extra chores to earn money to replace the shirt. How would that work?”

She said “I don’t know,” so I set a deadline.  “We’re leaving in 15 minutes for the Fall Festival, so let me know what you decide before you leave.”

Within 5 minutes she came to me with her hands full of coins from her piggy bank.   I thanked her and gave her a hug and we went happily to the Fall Festival.

I felt relieved that I had a new problem solving skill that was so effective.   It felt great to avoid wasting my energy on yet another lecture that wouldn’t really make a difference.   Most of all, I was happy for my daughter that she was able to resolve the problem on her own.   I could see she was proud that she did – what a better ending then feeling like mom was upset with her.  –Holly

America’s Chief Parenting Officer, Shelly Moorman, helps parents of strong willed, high energy children learn the Becoming a Love and Logic Parent® program’s skills to stay calm, get cooperation, and deliver effective consequences through parenting  classes, coaching, and speaking! If you’re looking for simple, quick, and easy tools to be confident, consistent, and on the same page with your parenting partner, get your FREE Parenting TuneUp Report with easy to use parenting tips and advice now at www.headandheartparent.com.

My 3 year old daughter is a fussy eater.  We told her, ” You need to take 3 more bites.”

She said “No” and tried to manipulate us into feeding her, changing our minds, changing food…

We decided to use our new Love and Logic skills to stay firm and use empathy so we said, “So sad, looks like no TV tonight.”

She cried and whined and complained.

We responded, “I know, I know,”

It was a long evening as she kept it up for about 3 hours, however we stayed strong.

At bedtime, she told us “I should have eaten my dinner.”

We felt surprised and grateful that she had come to that conclusion without us having to “Tell” her what she should have learned!  — Sara W

Wouldn’t you know, the 2nd game, the assistant coach had Zach on the bench and his friend broke his arm sliding into 3rd base.  Zach, feeling the stress of being benched and of his hurt friend, was put in to cover his position. He missed a fielding play and was yelled out by the assitant coach, later he struck out and was yelled at again.

When the game was over, Zach was very distressed and said “I quit. I”m not playing anymore.”

I felt his pain and was really torn.  What do I do?  My Love and Logic kicked in and I just relied on responding with empathy as Zach shared his anger and hurt. “I hear ya. I hate when that happens. It wasn’t fair. I understand.”

Later, I talked to my husband.  Do we let him quit and risk not being able to play high school baseball?  Or, do we make him suffer under an angry, inappropriate coach and end up hating baseball his whole life?  I could see both options.

My husband coached me.  It’s not our problem, even though it felt like it! We need to let Zach decide.  We needed to hand the problem back to Zach and counsel and advice him, help him evaluate the options, but ultimately let him decide.  I decided that “Yes, this was an affordable mistake. The price tag was low for what ever decision he made.  I was willing to love Zach through whatever he decided. Afterall, learning comes from experience, empathy and example.”

So my husband and I discussed with Zach the next day about the options and potential consequences of either decision, we answered his questions and told him we would honor his decision and love him no matter what.   Zach said he’d give baseball another chance.  Turned out the next practise wasn’t so bad, the assistant coach wasn’t as angry the next game,  he played the whole next game, and he’s getting to know some of his new team members.

Looking back, it took every skill I had in my parenting toolbox to not rescue him from all the pain that my 6 ft, 13year old was feeling that night.   How do you turn off the switch to ”fix” everything so he wouldn’t hurt so badly?  I luckily had support from my husband and years of Love & Logic training to help me  think about it differently.  My job was not to take away his pain, but to love and guide  him through this hurt so that he’d have experience successfully dealing with future hurts and disappointments without having him lose his way.  

America’s Chief Parenting Officer, Shelly Moorman, helps parents of strong willed, high energy children learn the Becoming
a Love and Logic Parent® program’s skills to stay calm, get cooperation, and deliver effective consequences through parenting classes, coaching, and speaking! If you’re looking for simple, quick, and easy tools to be confident, consistent, and on the same page with your parenting partner, get your FREE Parenting TuneUp Report with easy to use parenting tips and advice now at www.headandheartparent.com.